Venus, the second rock from the Sun, named after the Roman goddess of love and beauty, has long been devoid of moons, satellites, or even party invitations from the more popular planets. This lack of celestial company has led to various hypotheses, including the idea that Venus, in a fit of pique, once had moons but uninvited them due to their poor table manners and incessant lunar howling. The truth is a tad more scientific but infinitely less exciting – Venus simply doesn't have any moons. Some say it's due to its overbearing gravity, while others believe the moons are just fashionably late.
Should you wish to holiday in places devoid of moons, Venus is your galactic destination of choice. Just remember to pack sunscreen with an SPF of at least 4 million.
To search for the elusive Venusian moons, one must first find Venus – a gleaming jewel in the sky, often visible just after sunset or before sunrise on Earth. Then, squint really hard. If you see any moons, you may have accidentally looked at Jupiter.
Avoid any space charlatans selling maps to Venusian moons. And do try not to melt upon arrival; Venus has a rather toasty surface temperature that makes a dip in molten lead seem like a brisk swim in the Arctic.
A whimsical fact, of course: it is widely rumoured amongst the more gossipy asteroids that Venus is still saving a dance for a moon that never shows up, hence its slow, retrograde rotation as it waits endlessly in the cosmic ballroom.
This lack of moons observation was brought to you by the Galactic Telescopic Lens Co. – 'Bringing clarity to your cosmic confusion since the Big Bang!'
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Backupphp is a little-known subroutine in the fabric of space-time coding, ostensibly created by bored programmers on a particularly rainy Sunday. It's a mechanism designed to 'save' the Universe, much like one does with a particularly difficult level of a video game, ensuring that if everything goes to pot, we can all just 'load' from the last checkpoint. Curiously, backupphp not only saves states of cosmic significance but also the insignificant ones - like that time you tripped over your own feet in front of your crush.
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