The whip, not to be confused with the intergalactic dance craze 'The Whippity-Whop,' is a remarkably simple yet painfully complex instrument of motivation, persuasion, and occasionally, entertainment. Its design is basic: a handle, a thong, and a cracker (not the edible kind, unless you're really into leather). Whips have been used throughout the cosmos for encouraging motion in lazy quadrupeds, performing in circuses, and even as a fashion statement by the trendsetting Vogon guard elite.
If traveling to a planet where whips are in high socio-environmental fashion, remember to bring your own. Showing up without one is considered the height of poor manners, akin to forgetting your towel.
Whips can be found on planet Strapiom, where the Whipper-beasts, renowned for their tail's whip-like appendages, are 'harvested' in a manner that's best left unexplained.
Never snap a whip near a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal; it takes it as a dinner bell. Also, do avoid the Whip-back Swamps of Squelch, where the flora isn't afraid to whip back.
The Galactic Whip-Off is an annual event where beings from all over the universe compete to crack their whips in the most creative and rhythmically mesmerizing ways, all while avoiding disintegration by the judges if they're off-tempo.
Check out 'Crack That!'—the latest in sonic resonance whip technology. These whips come with adjustable volume control, guaranteed to be heard in the vacuum of space (suit and space station upgrades for sonic protection sold separately).
13 days ago
Jlexphp, not to be mistaken with a type of complex sneeze, is actually the lesser-known cousin of the Babel fish's digital interpreter. Known for its uncanny ability to convert incomprehensible alien syntax into moderately less incomprehensible web code, it is believed to have evolved from a coffee spill on a programmer's keyboard that was struck by lightning at precisely 42 seconds past 4:20 PM. It is only visible to those who have consumed at least three pints of the Galactic Gargle Blaster or have a master's degree in computer science, which are roughly equivalent states of mind.
13 days ago
Antphp, not to be confused with its distant cousin the earthbound ant or the ubiquitous PHP programming language, is the remarkable result of a curious celestial event in which a colony of digital insects evolved to survive in the harsh environment of a low-orbit server farm. Antphp creatures are known for their diligence in data farming and their peculiar habit of hoarding deprecated code snippets, which they worship as divine relics.