The wp-22php is not, despite its deceivingly mundane designation, a Wordpress plugin, nor a new-fangled recipe for a pumpkin spice latte with a dash of PHP - though that would be interesting, wouldn't it? In the peculiar and often illogical expanses of the known universe, wp-22php stands as a testament to the creativity of bored intergalactic engineers. It is, in fact, the model number of a pocket-sized wormhole projector, capable of zapping you from the dreariest board meeting to the stunning beaches of Santraginus V - or, with a slight miscalculation, into the heart of a small sun.
Travellers are advised to carry a wp-22php at all times but never to use it in closed spaces, underwater, or during poetry recitals - the results are unpredictable, and sometimes rhyme.
The wp-22php can be found at dodgy cosmic bazaars or in the toolbox of your average quantum mechanic, usually beneath a pile of improbability drive manuals and broken dreams.
Avoid purchasing wp-22php devices from unauthorized vendors, as the knock-offs are known to cause you to exist in multiple locations simultaneously, leading to incredibly confusing weekends.
Despite its name, the wp-22php has 42 settings, which scientists agree is the exact number needed to confuse anyone trying to understand its purpose on a Monday morning.
For a limited time, buy one wp-22php and get a complimentary towel - the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have, second only to a reliable wormhole projector.
3 days ago
The Towel, in interstellar travel, is arguably the most massively useful thing an intergalactic hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini-raft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for hand-to-hand combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you – daft as a brush, but very ravenous); and of course, you can dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3 days ago
Borgon poetry is to poetry what a sledgehammer is to egg cracking – effective yet inadvisably overzealous. Renowned across galaxies for its ability to induce both existential dread and a peculiar desire to purchase earplugs, Borgon poetry is the auditory equivalent of a supernova confined to a broom cupboard. Its meter is so irregular it could provoke a mathematician into a nervous breakdown, and its rhyme scheme appears to have been modeled after the flight path of a drunken Gagrakackan Stink Beetle.