About9php is not, as one might imagine, a distant cousin of PHP, the server-side scripting language – but rather an obscure cosmic phenomenon discovered by the eternally perplexed inhabitants of Squornshellous Zeta, who mistook it for a sentient being. About9php is, in fact, a small but incredibly dense cluster of data particles, which occasionally coalesces into profound statements about the universe, most of which make as much sense as a Betelgeusian trying to order a cup of tea using interpretive dance.
If you decide to visit an about9php phenomenon, prepare yourself for bouts of existential pondering and carry a pocket calculator – it helps to appear busy when reality starts to get a bit too real.
You can find about9php phenomena in the neglected corners of the Blogosphere Nebula, the place where old internet posts go to die or, if you're unlucky, to be recirculated on social media.
Under no circumstances should you ask an about9php about its meaning of life; you may end up in a recursive thought loop that lasts several eons.
It is a little-known fact that about9phps communicate through a series of blinks in an ancient markup language. Linguists are still trying to determine whether the second blink actually means anything or if it's just a coded eye roll.
Looking for a way to make sense of the universe's most confusing phenomena? Try the Babel Fish's new 'Tech Talk' feature – it won't help with about9php, but it will let you bluff your way through a conversation with a Silicon Valley entrepreneur!
about 7 hours ago
The qlex1php, pronounced 'klex-one-fip', is a curious phenomenon known only to those who have ventured into the lesser-charted territories of the Cosmic Code Continuum. It is said that the qlex1php is the artefact of an ancient intergalactic programmer who, after consuming an irresponsible amount of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, decided the universe needed more enigma. The qlex1php is not so much a thing as it is an idea; an idea wrapped in a conundrum, wearing a puzzle on its head, and dancing the foxtrot with confusion.
about 7 hours ago
The Hlexphp, pronounced 'Hlex-php', is a bewildering and paradoxically obscure creature found in the less charted regions of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy. It is usually spotted by the most astute – or the most inebriated – spacefarers, who swear that the creature can only be seen through the bottom of a glass of Janx Spirit. Hlexphps are reputed for their ability to alter reality in subtle ways that only become evident when trying to remember your own name or the reason you walked into a room.