Porridge, a substance so bafflingly ordinary that it has become entangled in the fabric of the universe as the go-to breakfast for beings who have run out of any other edible options. Historically considered the cement that held together the Scots before they discovered oil and became disgustingly rich, porridge has been baffling taste buds since the dawn of civilization. Thick, gloopy, and with the remarkable ability to resemble wallpaper paste, it is the culinary equivalent of a black hole – from which no joy can escape.
When venturing into the lesser-explored nooks of the Galaxy, carrying a simple porridge recipe can be a lifesaver. It is universally recognized as food, and presenting it as a culinary delicacy can earn you an honorary status among cultures that have never experienced the thrill of overcooked oats.
To find the finest porridge, one must voyage to the Porridge Planets circling the star Oatius Major, where the grains are said to glow with a warming inner light, singing a comforting hum as they simmer.
Avoid any porridge that claims to have 'zero-gravity consistency' or is served with a side of pickled Zolfinian greezle-beetles. Chances are, the chef doesn't know porridge from particle physics.
Legend has it that Porridge was the result of a culinary experiment by the ancient Hrung species, who accidentally spilled their oat-based thermal insulation material into a pot of boiling water, creating the first ever 'edible' porridge.
If you find yourself irresistibly drawn to porridge, check out the 'Spoon of Destiny'—a utensil guaranteed to make every mouthful feel like your very first. Disclaimer: Spoon of Destiny cannot be held responsible for any existential disappointment experienced thereafter.
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