the eltingville club

The Eltingville Club, named after the less well-known cousin of the Ritz, is the sort of place where the word 'exclusive' is considered far too inclusive. Known for its opulent gatherings of the galaxies' most pompous pseudo-intellectuals, it's the kind of club that would have membership forms printed on the fabric of space-time itself, just to ensure that only beings of the fourth dimension and up could possibly apply. In fact, the bouncers are trained to spot a third-dimensional entity from a parsec away and kindly redirect them to the nearest intergalactic bus stop.

Travel Advice

If, by some cosmic clerical error, you find yourself in possession of an invitation to The Eltingville Club, approach with caution. The dress code strictly requires that one's attire must be woven from the gossamer threads of Zaphod Beeblebrox's discarded daydreams. Also, they only accept the currency of discontinued planets, so do swing by your local extinct civilizations exchange bureau.

Where to Find

The Eltingville Club is located on a charming little asteroid which, by sheer chance, is perpetually hidden behind a rather shy nebula that blushes every hue imaginable when observed. To find it, simply head towards the constellation of Orion and take a left at the second star that winks at you.

What to Avoid

Absolutely avoid using the phrase 'I think, therefore I am' within earshot of any club members. They'll launch into a five-century-long debate about existence that will make you wish you never thought at all. Also, steer clear of the club's so-called 'Bottomless Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster' – it's bottomless for a reason, and that reason is not conducive to your continued existence.

Fun Fact

The Eltingville Club once held a silent auction where the concept of silence itself was up for grabs. Unfortunately, there were no bids as nobody wanted to break the silence to make an offer.