The Olympics, not to be confused with the Galactic Olympics (where antigravity discus is a major snooze-fest), is an ancient Earth tradition where humans prove who can run, jump, or swim in a straight line the fastest without being chased by anything particularly ferocious. Every four years, Earth's nations unite in passive-aggressive competition, displaying their mastery of activities that now mostly serve to ensure a splendid performance in escaping from tigers, should the need arise.
If attending, booking travel millennia in advance is advised due to the congestion of time-traveling tourists who've heard the half-time show transcends the space-time continuum.
Originally hosted at Olympia in Greece, the modern iteration can now be found teleported to alternating cityscapes every four years. Recent reports suggest a secret venue on the Moon is prepping for lunar high jump trials.
Avoid participating unless you have been training for at least a decade or possess superhuman genes. Also, steer clear of the mascots—they've been known to cause more nightmares than the event's compulsory inspirational anthems.
In one of the parallel universes, the 100-meter sprint is replaced with the 100-meter telekinetic slide, where competitors furiously glare at a rock until it crosses the finish line.
Want to experience the thrill of victory without the inconvenient panting? Try our 'Virtual Medalist' neural implant, so you can feel like a champion without leaving your hover-couch!
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