The Tardis, or 'Time and Relative Dimension in Space' for those not in a rush, is the quintessential time-traveling space kettle, notoriously piloted by a madman with a box fetish. It looks suspiciously like a mid-20th century British police box, and that's because it is one, externally. Internally, it's a sprawling mansion with more rooms than a frantic game of Cluedo. The Tardis defies all known laws of physics, much like a politician defies all known laws of reason and yet, is infinitely more trustworthy.
While attempting to hitch a ride in the Tardis, always bring a towel. Not for any practical reason but as a nod to galactic hitchhiking etiquette. Oh, and try to avoid wearing red shirts, as they tend to have a shorter life expectancy in time-travel adventures.
Finding the Tardis is like trying to locate a specific grain of sand on a beach that's constantly being rearranged by a toddler. The best bet would be to loiter around historically significant events and hope for the best, or the worst, depending on your insurance policy.
Avoid touching anything that looks like a button. It's probably a button. The same goes for levers, switches, or anything that looks button-esque. In fact, just try to avoid touching anything altogether unless you fancy a detour to the Big Bang or the unfortunate creation of a temporal paradox.
The Tardis has a swimming pool, rumored to have the best pool parties in the galaxy. They're so good, in fact, that attendees often forget they've been to one, raising questions about the nature of existence and the reliability of cocktail umbrellas as flotation devices.
This entry is brought to you by 'Temporal Insurance Inc.' For when you accidentally become your own grandparent or erase yourself from history, we've got you covered (Terms and conditions may apply, including but not limited to existing in the first place).
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